i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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