I have demons in me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
