we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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