If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
