I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
