Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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