Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
