i was born a porn star she said
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
