for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
