I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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