remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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