I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
