Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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