I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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