I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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