dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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