yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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