that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
