so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
