3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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