i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
