i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
