upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
