Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
