Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
