i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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