drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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