I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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