He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
