taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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