Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
