When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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