I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We need to rekindle our bromance
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
