she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.