I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!