I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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