We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
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I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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