4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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