you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I am mentally ready for anal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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