The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
