we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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