i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
