Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
