whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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