i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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