best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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