Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
