He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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