is your mom at the bar?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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