I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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