I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
