are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I will pee on everything he values.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
