my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
whose ass print is on the piano?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
