Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Did I show you my penis last night?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
