1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
